Hurricane Doug/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, most golfers will tell you the toughest part of the game is perfecting their swing. My advice... Do away with the swing all together with the red green hole-in-one, swingless golf club. All you do is attach the head of your driver and a real heavy duty fishing reel, and to one of these chest expander units perhaps you gave to a close personal friend, only to have her throw the whole thing right back in your face. Then all you do is run some 100-pound test line from the reel right down to the head of the club. And you're ready to play. The more you reel it in, the more power it delivers. Just wind her in, 'til you get it where you want it, then lock it. Then when you're ready, let 'er rip. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. The local bank's got a big deal going on. You open up an account, and they give you one these weather radios for free! No charge. There's no charge. It's free and they just give it to you. I mean, there's no charge. I mean -- this is crazy, eh? No wonder the banks aren't doin' well. Red, it looks like we're in for some pretty serious weather. You been listening to your weather radio? No. Well, you know, you should because we got trouble! Let me tell him. That's right, red. We got a cyclone coming. No, it's a hurricane. Yeah, right, a hurricane. Right, it's a big wind, and it's, like, 3,000-mile-per-hour winds! 150-kilometre-an-hour. Right, with hail stones the size of golf balls! No, no hailstorm. Just high wind, lotta rain. And we got a tornado comin'! No, it's a hurricane. It's a big storm! Okay -- no. Dalton, we don't get hurricanes here. We're too far from the ocean. We get a fair bit of wind, but that's because we're so close to port asbestos, and it sucks. Not this time, red. We've got a force 5 hurricane. Hurricane doug is coming our way! We gotta hunker down. We gotta board up the windows. Ration the water! Save one bullet for yourself! It's time for the possum lodge word game! And today mr ed frid is playing for this special coupon, which allows him to get 50% off on all other coupons. Mr green, you have 30 seconds to get mr frid to say this word... All right, mike. Oh, okay. And, go! Okay, ed, you take something wild, and you feed it, and you look after it, and you get to the point where you don't have to worry about if it's going to attack you anymore. That wild animal is now... Your teen-aged son. No, no, no, no. When the wild animal has been trained to be with people, it's... Just waiting for its chance to attack. No, this animal is not dangerous because it's... Dead. Okay, think about an animal. You want a word that rhymes with game. Maim. Almost outta time, mr green. Ed, I'm talking about, like, a pet for a kid, a cuddly puppy or a hamster -- whoa, no. No, don't get a hamster. They're evil. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they'll come into your room while you're sleeping and eat your eyes. Oh, yeah, you can't tame a hamster. There we go! [ applause ] [ harold cawing ] uncle red. Oh, you're breathing heavy. This building was designed by a moron, harold. The elevator only goes to the 19th floor. Ha ha! You got on the wrong elevator. Some of them only go to the 19th floor. The others go from 20 on up. Well, I still say there's a moron involved somewhere in this situation. Well, I won't argue with you on that. Pardon me, harold? Would you like some water for that? We have distilled, sparkling, reverse osmosis. I prefer faucet. Reverse faucet, if you have it. Perfect. Just gonna use the phone here. Hello? [ red's voice on intercom ] hello! Piece of crap! What are you doing? Well, I'm trying to use the phone, harold. It was invented 130 years ago. I thought they'd have it working by now. Well, line six is the direct line to our new york office. Oh. Yeah, seven and eight's our toll free number; eleven and twelve is our I.S.D.N. Number for data transfer; and if you want an outside line, that's one through five; you have to dial nine to get out. Do you hear yourself, harold? I just wanna make a phone call. You're reciting four pages out of the space shuttle service manual. What's going on, harold? Is it me? Well, you know, you're in the big city now. You know, you have to embrace technology. You don't do that very much. I embrace aunt bernice. That beats reverse osmosis, I'll tell you. I'll trust you on that one. But you know, here where I work, we have to embrace technology 'cause if we don't, technology will pass us by. Yeah, but what about life, harold, huh? What about life passing you by? What about the thrill of making something with your own hands? Where does that fit into your world? Remember that fishing boat I made, using all those heating ducts and the recliner, do you remember that? How would your downtown buddies pull that one off, huh? They'd buy a boat. That's what I'm saying. Well, that's what I'm saying. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Okay, we got our next two items up for auction here. Mike, why don't you start us off? Uh, okay. Thank you, mr green. As you can see, gentlemen, uh, this is an authentic drive-in movie speaker that dates all the way back to the '50s. Where'd you get that, mike? At the possum lake drive-in theatre. You got that in the '50s? No, I got it on Saturday night. Uh, but it is old, yeah. And there was a movie from the '50s playing at the time, uh, the ten commandments. I guess you left before they got to "thou shalt not steal." look, I know we all kid about my criminal record, but, mr green, I'm actually a little hurt. I did not steal this speaker. I just had to leave in a hurry, and I forgot that it was still stuck in the window. Honest. What was the big rush? Well, the car's owner came back from the snack bar. All right, well, we'll get to that item in a minute. Now let's see what hap brought for us. Thank you, red. I figure what this auction needs is a touch of celebrity. So I brought along something just a little bit special. Oh, man! That's a dazzler. That looks like something elvis would wear, huh? In his dreams, maybe. No, I mean, who was the celebrity? I was. Huh? I wore it to front my band in the late '50s, hap hornet and the rockin' drones. Oh, yeah, we had our own sound. I'm guessin' puget sound. No, no, no. We were very big. We had a gold record in '58, "gotta lotta hotta watta" (got a lot of hot water). We toured all over the states. Did you ever meet the king? Who's that? Elvis? Elvis. Elvis, nah. Well, I met him, but we hardly spoke. He opened for me in fresno. I would've been the king myself, but I was canadian, so they called me the prime minister of rock and roll. [ applause ] so this was your jacket? Yeah, fans would go nuts when they saw me in that. I remember telling ann-margret I was too busy to see her. Broke her heart. To cheer her up, I suggested she go and show elvis the ropes. I didn't mean literally. Boy, hap, I dunno. You as a rock star? I'm having trouble believing this. What do you think, mike? Well, I think you should show a little more respect, mr green. Oh, thanks, mike. Take it from me. You can't toss off a whopper like that and keep a straight face, man. That's really hard. Look, I don't care whether you guys believe me or not. I'm tellin' you, I was a rock star. Why else would a heterosexual guy wear a thing like that? So how's it going, dale? I'm all done here, mr green. Do you still have the washroom key? No, I gave it back to you, didn't I? I don't think so. Oh, no, there it is. Wow, I was afraid I'd lost it again. I, uh, put a drop of oil in your horn relay. Your horn was sticking. Yeah, I know. I like it sticking. That way I can let morons know what I think of them and still keep both hands on the wheel. Your generation is so confrontational. No, we're not! Well, I mean, doesn't your generation ever lean on the horn once in a while? No, mostly I just use it to say hi; you know, beep beep, how's it goin', buddy? Dale, a horn is not for saying hello. It's for saying, get the hell outta the way. Like this... [ honking horn ] you're holding it for two whole notes, mr green. See, if you just play two quarter notes, [ honking horn ] it sounds cheerful. You should try it. It'll be cool. Oh, well, I definitely wanna be cool. That's a top priority with me. Well, give it a try, mr green. You never know. You might surprise yourself. Yeah, why don't I just do that, dale? And you have yourself a rainbow day. [ honking horn ] you know sometimes you go into town, you got a list of things to do... Maybe, pick up some groceries for the family; go to the post office. And the bad part is when you get the groceries first, they gotta sit in the van while you're waiting for service at the post office. Especially if you got ice cream. And don't think your can trick your kids by refreezing ice cream. Believe me, something changes. So today we're gonna turn a van into a mobile refrigeration unit. So you'll never be in a rush to get home with those darned groceries. And the beauty of this project is you don't need to know anything about refrigeration. We're not reinventing the wheel here. We're just stealing fridge technology. So all you gotta do is get the door off of just an ordinary kitchen refrigerator like this one. That should be no problem. I believe it's just a lift and tug thing. Maybe this one's more of a yank and swing deal. No, no, I think this is actually the hyperextend mechanism on this one. Nope. All right, once you've got the door off the fridge, what you gotta do is make an opening in the side of the van big enough for the back of the fridge to stick out of. And if you're a real handyman and you got a good eye, you don't even have to measure. All right, now, I've attached the fridge on there, as you can see, with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. But you know what I'm thinking? This van isn't really airtight. I need a little extra cooling power. So I added a couple of fridges onto the back here. Actually, moose thompson gave me the fridges. He actually used to have one in every room in his house, but now he's upgraded to a walk-in meat locker. Oh, and watch the light go on when I open the door. See, just like a fridge. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One other thing I wanna show you. I've wired all the fridges up to this cigarette adapter here. I actually did that myself. Oh, yeah, I know as much about electronics as I do about refrigeration. All right, time to pick up the groceries and do the ice cream test. Talk about air conditioning. I'd say, if anything, the ice cream actually got harder this time. So remember if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. That's probably gonna hurt later. I wanna talk to you older married guys about something they don't teach you in school. There's a lot of talk these days about standing up for your rights and speaking up for yourself. This does not apply to any successful marriage. Any idiot knows when to speak up and shoot his mouth off, but a real wise man knows when to just put a lid on it. Oh, yeah, there are certain times in any marriage when it's better to just say nothing; for example, when you do something wrong, you break something, or you lose something, or you forget something, or you drink something. Just keep very, very quiet. I know honesty is a great policy, so is insurance. The trick is not use either one until you absolutely have to. You know, life has a way of getting you into trouble. You don't need to help it. So when you screw up, shut up. Another time you wanna keep quiet is when you do something right; like, your way was the right way, and your idea was the right idea, your plan was the right plan. No one that you're married to wants to hear that. Nothing good ever follows the phrase, I told you so. So whenever you do something wrong, or whenever you do something right, try just keeping your trap shut. And if it works, well, I -- remember I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ sound of hammering ] ow! Oh, geez. Uh, okay, girls. Got the windows all boarded up. Are you gonna be okay, or do you want a teddy bear to hug? You better take cover, red. They're expecting hurricane doug to hit our area any second! Oh, boy, a hurricane. Gosh, where am I gonna hide? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, there's gonna be rain. There's gonna be wind. Oh, boy. I guess I'll warn the others. Better warn the others. Look out, everybody. Oh, look out. Look out. [ birds chirping ] boy, it's very, very sunny out here. Birds -- little birdies, there's a hurricane coming. Hurricane. Oh, look, there's a place I can hide. I'll go sit in the canoe. [ clock ticking ] kids just like to get involved in something with you, you know, just a simple backyard game or an interesting conversation. And that is the type of thing that won't cost you anything but time. You don't have to go out and buy a whole bunch of expensive sports equipment or video games or all that stuff. But here's the thing, don't be selfish about it. Just a second. Don't be selfish. Don't just do things that you wanna do. You see you have to be -- just a second. You have to be able to read a kid. And suggest things you figure he'd like to do. That's what you wanna be able to do. Whoa! You snuck right up on me there, didn't you? You're getting pretty good at this game, huh? Okay, well, I'll do the counting now, and you run along and hide. You run off and hide, and I'll do the counting. I'm not looking. Don't worry, I'm counting. I'm not looking here at all. You know, I never used to play hide and seek when I was a kid. Oh, no, no, I had the friends. No, I did. But we'd always get together at the parents' house, you know, and there was never any place to hide. Dad had pretty much blown everything flat, you know. Had to go a mile to find a door to hide behind. Or just dig a hole in the ground and lie down in it. But you know what, I like hide and seek. Because you don't have to run. You just take your time. You're looking around casually. It's not like tag. God, I hate tag. [ applause ] [ bell ringing ] red: Walter and I are out in the back behind the lodge there, just painting the shed. That's a good way to spend a Saturday -- or even better, like, a Wednesday. Walter's just younger. He's got no patience. It's not dry yet, walter. It's not dry. It's not dry! We just painted it. No, don't blow on it. That's not gonna help. That makes no difference. That's gonna make you look foolish. It's not dry. Just relax. Take it easy. The sun'll dry it. The breeze will -- no, not -- you gonna fan -- he's gonna fan -- okay, walter, okay. If you wanna use a fan, use a fan. One of the great things about the lodge, we got so much equipment lying around that hasn't been found yet. Look at this, eh? Now, this baby was a little heavier than what I -- also was bolted the ground. Yeah, you go ahead, walter, and I'll be along in a minute we got her on the lawn mower. Seemed like a good idea to me now we'll just crank -- this baby's got about 700 horse, I think. Look at her just -- whoa! Wait a minute. Come on back. Come on back. No, no, up against the shed - oh, the pepper mill. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay, oh, boy. Here's two of the dwarves, sneezy and dopey. Oh, boy. Oh, and it's killing the paint job. All right, walter you try -- why did they put the on/off switch on the front of the fan I mean, how do you -- I'll tell you what. I'll try and kill the main switch; you work towards it, walter. Attaboy. Lean into it. Lean into it. There you go. Lean into her there. Is that the breaker? No, no. No, she's still going. Yeah, you're almost there. Get up to that switch. Now, I couldn't really hear - I thought this might be -- but I couldn't hear that it stopped, so I just turned it back on. Oh, you know, okay. That was my fault. All right. Okay. Hey, walter, good news. Good news. The paint's dry. Okay, time for the second coat away you go. Oh, hi. Oh, yeah, welcome to mike's teen talk. Here's the number one lesson you can learn in your life, whether it's as you're hanging out at the mall or, perish the thought, at work. Always look busy, especially when you're doing nothing. Looking busy is the next best thing to doing something, only it's a heck of a lot easier. But looking busy is a hard thing to learn. I'll tell you. You know, one of my dads worked at the post office, and, uh, he had this rule that he would never stand around looking out the window in the morning because then he wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon. So that's what I'm saying. Learn how to look busy. 'cause if it's worth doing nothing, it's worth doing nothing well. That's it. [ applause ] [ thunder crashing ] [ huffing and puffing ] how's the weather? I think it's gonna rain. Are we all gonna die? Eventually, yeah. Uh, any news on your weather radios? A miniature twister tore up the the animal shelter, and it was raining cats and dogs for a while. How are those boards holding up? Oh, the boards are good. I chained all the hot water heaters to the trees. All of our loose junk blew onto the neighbour's property, so there's a bonus, actually. You know, I didn't bother putting the canoe away. I'm sure it'll be all right. Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! I'm gettin' outta here! If my wife is watchin', see you later. Uh, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, guys, you don't have to stand up if you don't want to. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Whoa! All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Oh, I said I'll change! 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